I was always the girl that never gave guys the time of day. My aunts always tried to teach me that teenage guys are just trying to get laid and have a good time. I believed them and it was really hard for me to let my guard down with anyone or even date anyone. When I transferred schools in middle school, I met this guy named Alex and he became my best friend. He was also new at the school and so we felt comfortable with each other because we both were trying to get accustomed to the new school.
After three years of talking constantly and hanging out after school he finally confessed his feelings for me. Knowing what my aunts taught me, my guard when straight up and I battled between what I was really feeling and what I was taught. I told him I liked him and he always bothered me about going out with him but we were only sophomores and I didn't want that. We were both really young, I didn't believe any of the things he told me because I just assumed it was part of his grand plan to get me in bed. I for one was NOT going to get played, my aunts warned me well ahead of time! But then he got really sick of me, he wanted more and he gave me an ultimatum. We had to date or we could no longer be friends. What kind of sophomore makes that kind of ultimatum??
Anyway, I agreed to date starting my Junior Year. We started dating and it was all hunky dory. I really believed all the things he told me and a year later I was in bed ready to give myself completely over to him. I was completely in love with him. I would have given anything to be with him, I thought about him all the time, I hung out with him all the time. By the time High School was over he was like my only friend, we completely pushed everyone out and we were in our own love bubble. College was soon right around the corner and we decided to go to different schools and try to make it work.
We had a lot of ups and downs but we finally broke up for the last time in September of my Junior year in college. I was a complete mess. I was depressed and heartbroken. How is that I gave almost 4 years of my life to someone who didn't want me anymore? How did I love someone that much and then have been rejected? What kind of world did I live in that the men were so cold? It didn't make sense to me at all. I was every kind of emotion in the book. However, the truth is that heartbreak is fairly common in our world especially at my age. I never thought that I would find myself in a position where I wanted a guy who didn't want me. Talk about REJECTION! I have never been through anything more painful. I gave everything to a guy and in the end it was not enough.
Don't get me wrong, I was flawed. I did a lot of messed up things to him and a lot of words that should have never been said were. But he wasn't perfect either. We simply grew apart, we were no longer good for each other as lovers or friends for that matter. I was settling because I never thought I would find a guy half as decent as him. He was smart, he had manners, he came from a good family, he was pursuing a career, he didn't really drink or smoke, he shared all my firsts with me. He would have been the perfect fairytale relationship if we were right for each other but we weren't and I know that now. I sleep much easier at night knowing that there is better out there and that I learned from those experiences.
Everything repeats itself.
I thought that I would be alone for forever, that I would never experience love again, and that I would never be able to get over my ex boyfriend... but I found that I was wrong about all of that.
I found peace in myself and I found love again....
